how to fall
by robin daggers
Summary: Maybe Robin's modelling led her towards a pole rather than a pop career. And maybe with music thumping in her ears, and cheap scotch lingering on her lips, it might also lead her into the dubious arms of Barney Stinson.
1. Alleyways and Cigarettes

_Hello all! It's me again, not wasting any time in starting a new fic! I know this chapter is short, but it's more of a prologue really. _

_For those of you who wanted a sequel to HC, you are in luck, because after a LOT of deliberation, I've decided to do one. I'm not sure when I'll write and post it, but it is definitely happening!_

_But yeah, this is something completely different for you all. I hope you like it. But it's going to be au, so will be ooc in areas, but I hope you give it a chance. Please review so I know if I should continue. And thankyou, lovelies who congratulated me on finishing hc. I love you all so much._

* * *

He watched her.

Frankly, it wasn't hard to see why. Pickings were slim at the Lusty Leopard at the moment.

This girl was different. She looked entirely out of place there, amongst the other fake tanned girls dressed in skimpy leopard print underwear, many of which were adorned with pink bows. They looked tired, bags accessorizing their mascara clad eyes. It would make any normal person feel kind of depressed, honestly.

Not Barney Stinson, though. Of course, he was way too awesome for those sorts of fine feelings.

But he watched this girl like she was something special. White skin, blue eyes, cheekbones that could probably cut glass. When the announcement system had declared that 'Sparkles' would be taking the stage, he hadn't been too anxious to proceed. After all, who was called Sparkles. The name sounded ridiculous, and that was saying something, since 'Baby-doll' was currently grinding into his chair from behind.

That girl, though. She treated the pole like it was her instrument. She was fresh faced, young, perfect. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Not just that. The rise and fall of her chest fell in perfect place with her dancing. Lips parted and crimson, as her matching heels hooked around the shimmering pole that took prize position center stage. He was so intoxicated by her that he had to put his cigar down for a second.

(Not that it was lit. He wouldn't waste a Cuban on this place. Still, it helped him think to hold it between his thumb and forefinger.)

He exchanged the cigar for his tumbler of scotch, pressing it to his bottom lip and letting the contents hit his tongue, sharp and refreshing. Kind of like her. Easily the hottest stripper he'd ever seen; hottest woman he'd ever seen, full stop.

"Hey, Ted." He nudged his friend who was sat next to him, head buried in an architecture magazine, trying to avoid eye contact of a leggy Asian girl called 'Bubbles'. The darker haired man continued to stare at the pages.

"What, Barney."

"See that girl." He gestured to the stage.

"I'm trying not to. Why am I here, again?"

"Um, because for one, this place is aw-some. And we are out here, in the world. Licking the liberty bell. C'mon Ted, we ditched the marrieds! This night is legen-"

"Nope, not legendary. And I seem to recall you saying that we were only coming here to, and I quote 'Lick Liberty'." Ted shuddered.

"Yeah. Or Belle. Take your pick. Libby's a screamer." He winked provocatively.

"No. I told you. I'm dating Natalie. I think she could be the one, so can we hold off on the strip clubs in the future."

"Why are you even here then?"

Ted sighed, and smiled. "Bro code article 78. Something about not ditching you."

"I don't think the bro code mentions names." Barney muttered, looking at the ground.

"Course it doesn't bro." Ted quickly moved his magazine up to obscure the sight of some boobs balancing shot glasses.

"So Natalie. Is she hot?"

"You saw her hours ago, Barney."

"Yeah, I have a short memory."

"She's beautiful. And she has these little tea-lights in her room…"

Ted started to drift off onto a tangent of all the wonderful things about Natalie. Barney let out a low groan.

"Please stop yourself before you explode into a cascade of wedding confetti…- wait. Is she the one with the bizarro sock monkey fetish?"

"It's not a _fetish_."

"You said." Barney tapped his finger on the side of his glass. "You said she had them on her bed."

"So you _were_ listening!" Ted was gleeful.

"But does she have them. On the bed."

"Well, yes."

"Do they stay there when you're, y'know. Getting to the monkey business."

Ted shook his head in disgust at the innuendo, but remained oddly quiet after that.

"Oh. My. God. They do, don't they."

"It was one time!"

"One is enough, Theodore. Ditch the chimp. Go for an imp. Like Kandy here."

"Barney, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend at the Lusty Leopard."

He rolled his eyes, irritated at Ted's lack of party spirit. He decided to annul the conversation now that Ted had gone back to pouring his heart out to some Edwardian ballroom photograph. His eyes wandered back up to the pole, but it was empty. The sparkles girl was gone.

He downed the rest of his scotch, trying to convince himself that he didn't care. However, ten minutes later, she still hadn't come back out. Twenty minutes passed, then thirty, and he made up his mind to search for her out back.

* * *

Barney wasn't disappointed. The minute he'd walked out to the dingy back alley, he saw the girl. There were two guys walking quickly away from her, and she was slumped against the red brick wall, sat on the paving.

"You okay?" He asked, finding it slightly odd that he was genuinely concerned. The guys leaving were tall, broad and looked like they could easily take her down. She didn't look up, false eyelashes completely concealing her eyes.

"Yeah, I'm good. Scared them off."

"Were they bothering you?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure you'll fight them for me." She droned sarcastically, dragging a cigarette out of her pocket. Her outfit was quite a lot different from the rest of the girls. She was wearing a short, pink shirt with a matching crop top, finished off with a sleeveless jean jacket. Her wrists were adorned with brightly colored jelly bracelets. In the dark, they contrasted even more with her pale skin.

"Well, I might've." He defended.

"Mm. _Sure_. They weren't bothering me though. Guess I'm just too awesome for them."

"They looked bothersome."

"What sort of a word is bothersome?"

"What sort of a name is Sparkles?"

"A fake one." She monotoned.

"Wanna grace me with your real one?" He asked coyly, licking his lips.

"No."

"Oh, c'mon. What, did your folks name you Muriel or something."

"You're awfully talkative for somebody I just met, you know that." Her voice was cold, more defensive.

She looked up, finally. Her eyes flickered, running up and down his body. She pulled out a lighter and lit her cigarette, leaving the lighter on just a little bit after to watch the orange flame dancing around the almost black sky.

"Yeah… well. _You're_ awfully weird. I don't meet a lot of chicks that sit in alleys in stripper clothes watching flames and talking to strangers."

"You can't have met many good girls then."

He sat down beside her. She seemed startled at this advance at first. But she didn't stop him or get up. Instead she shut her eyes, and blew out a ring of smoke.

"I guess not. Barney, by the way. Barney Stinson."

"I know."

"How? Are you stalking me? I bet you're a stalker. You got that look to you."

"What, the lurking in alleys around people you've never met before look." She challenged.

"Well played."

"So, do I get your name now."

"No."

Indignation rose in his voice. "Totally unfair! I deserve answers. What do I call you?"

"Nothing, since you're probably never gonna see me again."

"You underestimate my stalking powers."

"Ha. I knew you were a stalker." She took one final drag of her cigarette, then stubbed it out under her heel, which appeared almost maroon in the absence of sunlight. She got up, dusted off the flared skirt and pulled it up, well aware that she was showing off her extremely long legs.

"Have fun stalking."

"Sounds far too like a goodbye for someone you're gonna see again. I got a feeling."

"I got a feeling I'll be seeing you on the news. Probably arrested for your stalking tendencies."

"You'll still see me though."

"I won't." she promised, flicking her waves of blonde hair behind her. She walked away. Barney listened to her heels clicking against the sidewalk. She didn't even catch her stilettos in the cobblestones; she walked smoothly and evenly, not turning back.

He glanced down at the cigarette butt on the floor, still slightly colored at the ends. Tiny red embers against a predominant grey background. Briefly, he heard music coming from inside, but then the door was closed again, cloaking him in silence.

"Hmm." He thought about what she said. Implying that he, Barney Stinson of all people, couldn't get her to see him again. Preposterous. He _always_ got the yes.

"Challenge accepted." He grinned.

He sauntered immediately back inside, nudged Ted up from his seat and gestured to the front door. Just before they were about to leave, Barney tugged on Ted's blazer and pointed to the bar. Blonde hair and a jean jacket could be seen perched on one of the stools.

"Ted, see that girl." He nodded.

"I see the back of that girl. Why? Do we at least get to get out of this hole yet."

"Yeah, fine. Hail a cab."

"What about the girl, though?"

A smirk spread across his face.

"Don't you just _know_ she likes it dirty."


	2. Conversations and Lapdances

_Hey all! Look out for a HC sequel soon. Also, there are other stories in the works. All swarkles. I can't seem to write anybody else at the moment._

_*To be read in a Professor Quirrell announcing that there is a troll in the dungeon voice* DRAMA! DRAMA IN THE FANDOM!_

_Time for a quick PSA. I'm a 10/10 huge fan of cybergirl26. I think her ideas are amazing and I really admire her writing such legendary stories that are not in her first language. However, being the dippy little person I am, it actually didn't occur to me that these stories would be compared, but obviously, the ideas are similar. But please put out your pitchforks because this will indeed go in a very different direction to 'The Escort' (btw, if you have not been reading it, which I doubt, then go do so right now because it's really really cool and you'll love it)._

_Thanks again and I'll be updating much more frequently now._

_Much Love!_

* * *

Barney returned to the Lusty Leopard a few days after he first saw Sparkles. He sauntered in, wearing one of his favourite slick, dark suits and a maroon tie. It was a silk blend: high quality and completely luxurious. He seated himself on a satin chair and waited for his usual scotch to be brought to him. He was such a regular at the place that his order was simply a given.

He didn't expect_ her _to deliver it, though.

Today, her lips had favored baby pink, teamed up with a lemon yellow bra and panties, along with the denim jacket, same as before. A thin denim belt hung around her svelte middle. She rolled her eyes when she saw him.

"Told you I'd see you again." He said in a low voice, making absolutely sure to touch her hand as he took the drink from her. "You underestimated my stalking abilities."

"Oh. Of course. Such skill it took to return to the same strip club you saw me last. Round of applause for Barry Stinson."

"It's Barney." He replied indignantly.

"I know. Just wanted to see your face."

"Little minx."

"Ha. Ask me how many times I've heard that line this week."

"How many times have you heard that line this week?"

"We'll be here all day."

Barney sipped on his scotch. It hit the back of his throat the way it always did. "I've got all day."

"I hear _that _a lot too." She deadpanned.

Her eyelids were covered in a sheer lilac powder, but there was a distinct silver line of glitter all the way around it. It made him chuckle. A little reference to her name.

"So. Penny for your thoughts?" He grinned, offering her a $50 bill. She took it, and stuffed it very deliberately in her bra.

"I could get used to you're pennies, Barry Stinson. They're pretty pricey."

"Barney." He growled. She smirked. Although the corners of her mouth barely twitched, they both recognized the smirk in her eyes.

"Oops." She whispered. "Where do you want to start?"

"Tell me something about you."

"Well, my bra size is 32 B."

"I know."

"Neat party trick."

"You wanna see me do the room?" He cocked an eyebrow, draining his scotch glass mischievously and letting it hit the wooden table next to him with a clunk.

"I'll pass. You want a lap dance?"

He seemed almost shocked that she was so willing to offer one. She'd been quite the tease last time he saw her. But he supposed that it was her job. Still, there was something about her that told him she was a bit different. She was complicated. Perhaps people would say that was a given, but he never set much store by feelings.

Something about her intrigued him more than average. After all, it was curiosity that killed the cat, or the Barney, in his case.

He nodded in response to her questioning, and she immediately straddled him. She started grinding right away, and despite the countless lap dances he'd received, probably creeping into triple figures, he was surprised. Like he'd expect her to be more hesitant.

"Shocked." Evidently, this pleased her.

"No. You're very… enthusiastic." He stated.

"Did you expect my towering moral high-ground to get in the way?"

At first he wasn't quite sure what to say. Was she kidding, or not? Most of him wanted to laugh, but he didn't want to get her angry incase she got up and went over to some other guy. So he sort of stared at her, waiting for a reaction.

She laughed. His laughter followed.

"I like you, Sparkles. You got that dry humour going on. I need some of that in my life."

"Too bad I won't be able to fill the vacancy. You could put an ad in the paper. Dry, heartless stripper wanted, specializing in humour and lap dances. I'm sure you'll get loads of applications."

"There you go again. Just the sort of hilarity that makes you a top candidate for Barney Stinson's newest bro."

"Bro?" She questioned. "Do I look like a guy to you?" Suddenly her cheeks flushed. Underneath the caked foundation and shimmery candy blusher, it was evident that she was going red. Her voice got a little higher, suddenly not so cool and calculating as before. She stopped dancing completely.

"No. You don't look like a guy." He had no idea why it offended her so much.

She leaned in extremely close to him. Her lips were inches away from his ear.

"Then don't ever say that to me again." She almost spat it into his ear, and honestly he was quite scared. His mind started to wonder what she could've done to make those guys walk away from her so fast the night he saw her.

"Hold your horses, Sparkles. Just a phrase. I call everyone bro. It's just one of the many things that makes me awesome."

She pressed close again, continuing to grind into him, barely meeting his eyes. He hated that she wasn't talking to him. It wasn't that he wasn't turned on, because this was hot as hell. But he wanted her to talk to him.

"Sorry. I guess."

She shook her head. "Eh. Shouldn't have snapped. It's been a long month."

_That _made him want to know more.

"If you won't tell me about yourself, then can I get the goss on some of these girls."

"I hate it when guys like you are presumptuous. As if I would ever betray my sisters."

Barney remained unconvinced. He'd seen the offhand glares she gave around the room to some of the other girls, the distaste in her expression when he talked about trying his party trick out on the other girls. "Please. I can tell you hate them. Unless they actually are all your sisters, in which case h-o-t."

"I don't hate them." She muttered, darting her eyes around the room, then giving a sigh of admittance. "Much."

He pointed an accusing finger at her, grinning. "Ha! I knew you hated them. You're a chick hater."

"I am a chick." She sounded determined.

"Doesn't mean you can't hate them. Tell me why. Tell me who. Give me the dirty, Sparkles."

"Not much to tell. They like martinis and pink. And they like hair product, push up bras and shiny things."

"Sounds like a fun crowd." He looked at her, and she very nearly smiled.

"Y'know, the other day, I had to explain to Angie that trees do not grow from the tips of the branches. And y'know what else. She told me I was a genius. And she thought it was spelled with a 'j'."

"Jenius?" Barney repeated, snorting.

"Yup."

"Wait a second. There's no Angie here. I call liar."

"Oh, her work name is Angel. Original, I know."

Barney chuckled again

'Hit me baby one more time' drew to an end, the final bars fading out before lurching into 'Love machine'. She climbed off him, happening to show a very promising view of her cleavage as she did so. Barney licked his lips. He delved into is pocket for another note, but then a better idea occurred to him. A sly smile slipped over his face as she stood before him, clearly expecting another dance.

"You wanna get out of here." He questioned, pocketing his wallet and raising an eyebrow.

"I work here."

"So? I'm pretty sure I just saw three girls slip out that back door with a drunk business man. And your manager is asleep on that suspicious looking pot plant."

She contemplated his offer. "I gotta earn money."

"Here's another fifty."

"I didn't give you another dance. Wait… you're not _paying _me for _spending time with you, _are you_?"_

"No. I'm awesome, and that was an exceptional lap dance."

She rolled her eyes, and pushed the hand holding out the money away. She walked off in the other direction, causing Barney to stand up.

"Where are you…"

"Going? Relax, Barry. I'm getting my sweater and shorts… unless, y'know, I'm walking the streets in my underwear."

He battled with himself not to chip in 'I wouldn't object.'

"So you'll come with me."

"Why not? After all, it wouldn't be that much of a pity to jeopardize the high professional integrity of my career."

"There's that dry humour. I'll say it again; I really do like you, Sparky. You've got potential."

"You'll have a slap in a minute. I don't do nicknames."

"Says sparkles."

"Let me get my clothes before I change my mind, Arnie." Despite it being a joke, her words were more bitter than they were flirty.

"Barney." He corrected halfheartedly.

She walked across the almost deserted room. Daytime in a strip club was a bleak place. His eyes jumped across the room to a corner, where a girl was sat playing strip poker with herself.

He checked his cell phone for directions. Sparkles had better like laser tag.


	3. Lasertag and Agreements

Please, please review! :)

* * *

Bright colours flashed around the room, lights and sounds of laser guns echoing against the plastic blocks placed in strategic areas. Barney quickly fired his gun towards a particularly annoying seven-year-old boy named Scott. Scott howled dramatically as his jacket lit up, indicating that he had been shot.

They'd been at the laser tag place for an hour now. She'd been surprisingly willing to engage in his sacred sport, despite barely knowing him, and her seemingly nonchalant attitude.

"And _that's_ how it done, Sparkles." He told her smugly. She rolled her eyes, continuing to run away from a troop of angry kids. Grabbing him, she dragged the both of them behind a dark wall and rested there, panting against the surface with her gun close to her chest.

"_Dude_."

Barney Stinson did not take kindly to being dragged.

"I was saving us both from those little brats. And FYI, if _that's_ how it's done, then I'm bitterly disappointed."

His nose crinkled at this, clearly offended, but she had no time for it. She darted out from the wall and managed to shoot down the entire mob of kids at once, grinning as she slung the gun over her shoulder and retreated to their safe wall.

"That's how it's done."

"_It._ It done."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Please tell me, why does proper English evade you?"

"English." He laughed. "Pft, English. We're Americans. Red blooded, lying, cheating, complaining and inconceivably stubborn Americans."

"Glad to know your patriotic views of your country. Sorry to disappoint, but I am in fact Canadian."

Suddenly his whole face changed, childishly taking a step away from her and pointing an accusing finger. "_Canada_."

"Yup." She folded her arms across her laser tag jacket. Beneath it was a green sweater and a pair of the tiniest denim shorts he'd ever seen. She had on gold hoops in her ears, mingling with her blond hair.

"Canada." He spat the word out. "I can't believe it. There's always a fault. You were hot, you were cool. But Canada. No. No. It's been nice, Little Miss Hortons, but this is where the fun ends."

Instead of responding, she grabbed him and forcefully shoved him into the wall. Initially horrified by this violence, he then realized that she was shooting the oncoming Zitterman twins. Their jackets changed colour, accompanied by squeaky complaints, and they jogged away from her.

She walked back over to him triumphantly.

"You were saying, America?"

"You just saved my life, didn't you?"

"Yeah, thank me later. Unless I'm just not cool enough for the likes of you." Sarcasm coated her words.

He stumbled. "Like… I mean…- I may be prepared to make a concession. In the event of an extremely hot laser tag prodigy… who just so happens to be Canadian, I guess I could let it slide. Just keep it on the downlow, Sparky. Don't enter it on your Awesomestralia ID card."

"Awesomestralia?" She smirked.

"Yeah. I still can't be sure if you're worthy of citizenship."

"Why would I be? This is the second time you've ever seen me. Won't your friends in awesome world be wondering who the hell this devilishly attractive _Canadian_ is?"

"Please. My friends don't get to go to Awesomestralia. Keep this between you and me but," he spoke behind his hand. "They're lame."

"Mmm."

They played for another hour, easily wiping the floor with the annoying little kids who kept haranguing them. Luckily, Sparkles was a natural. Much as he hated to admit it, she was better than him, bringing more kids down and achieving a higher overall score. However, he arrogantly informed her that his league score was still 20 times higher.

Now they were heading back to the Lusty Leopard. Halfway down the road, she stopped him, putting a hand on his chest and looking at him. Their lips were extremely close, and her blue eyes met with his.

"You um…" She bit into her lip. "You wanna go back to your place."

He knew what she meant straight away. Honestly, though, he was surprised.

"Um sure. You want a, um, drink?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You know exactly what I want."

"Sorry. Jeez."

"Wait. Just then, you did a look. What were you thinking?" She studied his expression as their shoes clicked on the pavement. He avoided her eyes, staring straight ahead at a visible skyscraper. He wondered how many people were actually doing something inside each of those tiny windows as they walked.

She persisted, tugging on his sleeve.

"What were you thinking?" Her eyes had a glint of resilience.

"Nothing. Now who's asking questions?" He baited, knowing that she wouldn't be able to retort to that. After all, she seemed to be the cagy one in the situation, not wanting even to give her real name. In fairness, though, they had only known each other for a total of a few hours.

"Ugh. Tell me."

"I guess I didn't expect you to be this eager." He muttered, hoping that perhaps the buzz of the streets might obscure his sentence. Saying it felt ridiculous now. A dry laugh escaped her. Great. Now she was offended.

"I bet I know what you thought I was. Some stripper with 'issues'. Bet you thought I was all _mysterious_, and then maybe you could win me over. Maybe this was gonna be a game for you. Spend your weeks taking me for laser tags and whatever else. Then I'd finally sleep with you, and that's your challenge over with. You'd throw me off once you were done. Game over." She paused, feeling the air nipping at her bare legs. "Maybe you'd even want 'poor injured girl' to fall for you, so you can save her. Me. Well let me tell you something, Barney."

He was looking straight at her now.

"Don't think you can rescue me. Because I am not some little lamb that needs a new home. I know what my job is and I'm a grown ass woman. I certainly doubt anyone is capable of 'saving' me, nor do I need it. I take care of myself. And don't expect a relationship out of me. This won't be some cute story we're telling at our wedding vow renewal. If you want to see me again, this is about sex. And that's it. K'ay. No feelings, no games, no challenges, no chucking me out like garbage when you find a hotter and more vulnerable looking chick."

It was his turn to study her expression. Her face remained steely, yet his years of checking out girls told him otherwise. The bottom of her lip was trembling, as were her eyes, if you focused closely enough. Perhaps it could be put down to the cold. He doubted it, though.

"I wouldn't do that."

"What?"

"Cast you out."

"Yeah." She bobbed her head, dry laughter making reappearance. "I know your type. Challenges and hookups. You'd get bored. You go for girls like me when you get too damn bored of meaningless one night stands. You want a task. Get the girl, all that crap. Well wake up. This isn't 'Pretty Woman'."

Realization sunk in. He had to admit, her harsh words were somewhat hurtful. It was weird. Relationships were something he would always run a million miles from. But here he was, kind of wanting to prove her wrong.

Annoyingly enough, she seemed to have him down perfectly. He hated it. But she was right. He wanted a challenge.

Maybe there was a small part of him that thought it would be a bit more challenging. Okay, maybe he was treating her like a game.

And maybe…

_(Maybe.)_

She was winning?

He cleared those thoughts from his mind. He was Barney. He knew who Barney was, and Barney was awesome. And if nothing else, Barney completed a challenge. He was here, and she was here, and he was getting the girl. In the only way that mattered to someone like him.

He wasn't about to reenact Pretty Woman. Marshall and Lily had made him sit through it enough times to know that it's a bunch of clichéd lies for the romantic loser, who probably wastes their life not out in the open being awesome, and instead sat curled up in a snuggy watching Netflix reruns with their cat.

He shuddered.

"Right." Barney gave her a nod. "I got it."

"Good." Then she stopped herself. A tiny glimpse of something, which seemed a bit like regret, traced her face, but then it was gone. "Yeah, I give that speech. Um… too many guys getting the wrong impression."

They walked the next block in silence, both concentrating on the noise of the city around them. Car horns beeped loudly against the bustle of people; bemused tourists attempted in vain to hail a cab.

He put a hand on her waist, and she didn't slap it away as he expected.

* * *

When they finally reached his apartment door, she looked just as confident as before her speech. As if all that real talk had never taken place. The genuine, cold words hadn't left her lips, and she was back to being flirty and sarcastic. Golden curls framed her face, and her makeup was still intact after their raucous laser-tag session. She nodded to the door.

"What. You scared I'm gonna rob you?"

"Wa- _no_." He unlocked the door and opened it theatrically just to prove how unafraid he was.

Upon entering, she snorted. "Of _course_ this is where you live."

Her eyes scanned the grey room. Every inch of it was dark and lacking colour. The kitchen was total monochrome, silver worktops glistening from the strobe lights in the ceiling. A black couch was partnered with a black dresser.

"Um, yeah. Welcome to the fortress."

"What?" She questioned.

"It's my fortress. The fortress of Barnitude."

"I cannot believe I'm about to sleep with you. God, my standards are slipping."

"More comments like that and you'll be losing your visa to Awesomestralia." He moved closer to her.

"I feel like I just got a tornado out of Oz and straight into Kansas. Somewhere over the rainbow, this place looks like you photoshopped all the freakin' colours away."

He took her hand and led her towards the bedroom. "You're just jealous."

"Oh, so jealous of this."

"I'll show you Oz." He gave her his most perverted grin. She seemed thoroughly unamused by his antics, and instead tugged at his tie, skillfully removing it and casting it onto the floor. Next she addressed his shirt, pink nails scaling the buttons in a matter of a few seconds. Clearly, she'd had some practice. Her lips didn't wait to make contact with his collarbones, and she began to kiss his upper chest, moving her hands up and down his back as she did so.

"No fair. You're wearing far too many clothes for my liking." As he reached to unhook her bra, he realized that she wasn't wearing one.

"No bra." His eyes became more lustful. "Hot."

"Yeah, was I meant to keep my stripper one on? That thing is uncomfortable as hell."

Her lips were full. The pink colouring from earlier was gone, and now they were a more natural colour. A sort of muted red. Instinctively, he cupped her face to kiss her, but she pulled away sharply.

"Not the lips." She declared warningly, looking as though she might bite. "You do not. Kiss. My lips."

Before his brain could even start to analyze that, he piped up with. "Huh. I thought this wasn't going to be pretty woman."

"Shut it."

Her arms were back on his chest, enjoying the way his muscles flexed appealingly beneath them. She could feel him unbuttoning her shorts and she began to kiss his neck, working her tongue and eliciting a soft moan from him.

She felt him lifting her up, and the next thing she knew, the crook of her neck was colliding with the headboard, and her leg was hooked over his shoulder.

Neither remembered much after that.


	4. Phone calls and Feelings

Do review and tell me what you're thinking so far! Any review cheers me up so much and I'd really love to know know what you think and if you think this is worth continuing or not, because I'm a little on the fence as of current! Thanks :D

* * *

"There is something seriously wrong with this girl." Barney seethed, pacing up and down his living room in exasperation. He had discarded his suit jacket and tie 15 minutes ago.

Lily sat on the couch face resting on her palm. "Sweetie, you've said that about 10 times now."

"Well it's true!"

"Maybe. But I don't see why you called me up at 5am and forced me to come round here." She rubbed her eyes, feeling extremely sleep deprived. Sure, Barney often did weird things. And he often asked the gang for help. But she'd never seen him get like this.

"Well, you came didn't you. Clearly you can't resist me."

"I came because you said 'no questions asked.' I swear, though, if you hit on me again then I'll be right back out that door."

"Heh. Back door." He chuckled. She rolled her eyes.

"I didn't even _say_ back door. Just hurry up and tell me what you want, Stinson."

Barney placed his head in his hands briefly as he continued pacing. Honestly, he didn't even know what he wanted. Since he and Sparkles had established a sort of 'not friends, but still with benefits' arrangement, things had become complicated. Well, for him. When he was hanging out at the bar, he didn't feel like he was his normal self.

A large part of his life felt completely messed up, and he didn't like it, or have any idea why. At 5 am, when he'd barely slept since Sparkles left, he decided there was only one thing for it. It was time to resort to desperate measures.

He needed Lily to sort this out right now.

She was the relationship expert. Marshall and Lily were like a wonder couple, always eager to dish out advice, despite the fact that most often it was unwanted. However, now he was glad that he had tuned in to her 'love' talk very occasionally, because he knew that she'd be able to help him out with this.

She always knew what was on a person's mind, and she'd be able to tell him exactly what was going on with this girl. And then he could simply put the whole thing behind him, and get back to being awesome.

Lily was still looking at him expectantly, and it occurred to him that he hadn't explained anything to her.

"So there's this girl. Don't look at me like that. I don't _like_ her. She's a bro. A bro who happens to also be available for other activities of the amorous nature. I mean, I guess you could say I've _broned_ her."

"Please never say you've broned anybody. Ever again." Her expression displayed disgust, but she managed to shake it off and continue. At least Barney was at last opening up about something other than the bro code and the playbook.

"How'd you two meet?"

Barney let out a sigh. "At a strip club about 3 weeks ago. She works there."

Lily smirked. So Barney was hung up over a stripper.

"I came back the next day, she was out in the alley the first time, then uh… lets see. She gave me a lap dance, was super cagy but then we played laser tag and it turned out she was pretty awesome. So then I put _my_ laser in-"

"Ew." Lily cut him off, not wanting a detailed analogy of what he did with his laser.

"Oops." He didn't seem sorry, and had an air of mischievousness to his voice. "But yeah, we've been sleeping together for pretty much all of those weeks. And she just leaves right after. No talking, no plays… I don't even have to make up some lie to get her to leave, Lil! She just goes like she doesn't give a crap."

"Sounds like the perfect hook up. Isn't that what you always want?" Lily was failing to see his problem here.

"Exactly! Don't you get it! She's too perfect. Girls aren't like that. You hook up that many times then they get feelings. They want to stay and snuggle. They want dates, they want compliments, they want kisses. She won't even let me kiss her at all."

This made Lily sit up a little straighter. "Well, I guess that's odd."

"I've had three weeks of absolutely _perfect_ hookups. Where's the catch?" He implored frantically, moving to sit next to her on the couch.

"Aw, Barney." Her voice dragged over his name. "There doesn't have to be a catch." She reached out to put an arm around him, but he flinched away, standing up.

"No. There is. I just don't know what to do about it. There's got to be a catch. She's beautiful, she's a freaking stripper, she doesn't care about a relationship at all… and did I tell you how _mindblowing_ the-"

"Barney." She warned. There was no way she got up this early to listen to Barney's pornographic monologues.

"Right, right. But I just don't get it. Something has to be up. She's gotta want something. Nobody is that good at one night stands."

"Well… you are. Maybe you finally met your match?" To Lily, this was honestly quite amusing. Seeing Barney get like this over a girl. Of course she cared greatly about her friend, but she had to acknowledge the irony of the situation. It would be good to finally have somebody to challenge _him_.

From the way he was reacting, though, he disagreed.

"Ha. Oh, Lil. There is no match for this," he performed a sweeping gesture across his body. "All I want is to know what's happening next."

Suddenly, it occurred to Lily what was wrong. Her pupils dilated, a wide grin spreading across her face. "_I_ know what's up. Barney Stinson isn't in control."

"Pft- what?"

"You need your experiments, your tasks." She pointed a finger. "But she's making it too easy. She's doing exactly what you want. You don't have anything to do and you." She poked him once. "Don't." Another prod. "Like it."

She was smiling broadly now, as Barney looked extremely grumpy.

"She's got the upper hand. Oh my god- _she_ calls_ you_, doesn't she."

"Maybe." He conceded. "On occasion… she has been known… to call me first. But that's what I want… I mean, right? It's good not to be the needy one calling, right? 'Course it is." He assured himself.

"So you go to her place."

"No- I mean… she calls and then she comes here. Or just turns up." As he spoke, he realized how this must sound to Lily.

"Oh my god you're her bitch!" She declared gleefully.

"Oh hell to the no. Barney Stinson is nobody's bitch."

"Barney Stinson better get his act together, because if Lily Aldrin didn't know better, she'd say you had_ feelings_ for this girl."

Barney's face changed. Feelings.

No. No, no, a thousand times over no. He did not get feelings. Especially not for somebody he'd known for only three weeks. Feelings were for the Teds of the world. People who wanted 2.5 kids, white picket fences and shiny minivans. He was absolutely not that guy. Frankly, he was terrified of falling in love.

There was the truth. He was terrified. Terrified because between his Dad and Shannon leaving him, he didn't think he was capable of it. Those sorts of thoughts were generally boxed up where he didn't have to think about them.

Lily was still smiling at him, and he had to remind himself that he didn't get scared. He simply had too much legendary bottled up inside, and sometimes, some of it leaked out in a mildly fear esque manor.

"I do not have feelings." He informed her, appalled by the notion. "I do not get feelings. No sir I do not."

"Barney." She smiled again, soothingly, getting up from the couch to approach him. "Feelings are nothing to run away from. Feelings can be amazing. They're natural to have."

"And that's why I don't get them. Nothing about the Barnacle is 'natural'. With a booty like mine, I'm practically _super_natural."

Lily sighed, pursing her lips at his arrogance. What had she expected? This was Barney. He was never going to admit that he had feelings for somebody. At least when he was more ready to concede that maybe he could like this girl, and perhaps it did get to him that she was in control, she'd be more willing to talk to him.

"Listen, much as I know you want to talk about your booty, I've got to get back home. If you really want to talk again, call me. But Barney. If you like her, tell her." She nodded, boring straight into his eyes. He looked back at her green ones.

The idea of telling Sparkles that he liked her was preposterous. She was still frosty, sarcastic and possibly the only person to be more emotionally unreachable than him. And besides. He didn't like her. He liked her body. He practically hated her, for getting him like this.

"Yeah. Ha. Sure." He opened the door for Lily, who shot him a smile that had undertones of pity in it as she left, telling him some crap about following his heart or whatever. He'd stopped listening by that point anyway, having already made up his mind to prove just how non-existent these 'feelings' were.

* * *

As it happened, he didn't even need to call her. Not many minutes after Lily had gone, he heard his phone vibrating against the kitchen counter where it had been left to charge.

He swiftly pulled the black lead out of it and checked the little green bar in the top left corner, in confirmation that it was done charging. Then he waited another couple of seconds, so that the phone was just about to go to voicemail, before he picked up.

"Go for Barney."

"I got some time before work. Can I come over?"

"Yeah… now's kind of a bad time. I just had a girl here." That was good. He wasn't even lying. With any luck, it would make her jealous.

"Oh. Cool. She hot?" Sparkles questioned. And she was unfazed. Not even a tiny bit bothered by the idea that he was seeing another imaginary woman.

"Super hot. Quite different from you. Small, redhead. Pretty feisty." He drawled, pushing the 'jealousy' plan a bit further. He was now exceedingly glad that Lily was gone, since he'd probably receive a slap for describing her like a conquest. Well. At least he never said they'd done anything. It was all in the inferences, he thought, tapping his thumb on the worktop.

"I'm not feisty enough?" She sounded irritated. He smirked, thinking that maybe there was a shot left at making her jealous, and proving that he did have a little bit of the control in their…- well, whatever it was they had.

"Eh. I mean, it's not like you're not feisty. It's just…" He trailed off, pretending he was trying to think up an excuse. In reality, he was one thousand percent aware of her feistiness.

"I'll see you tonight." She said shortly, breathing slightly heavily. "Whenever I want. _My rules_." And then she hung up, not even waiting for his response.

He realized that instead of making her feel jealous of him, she had entirely taken the situation into her own hands. Defeated, he flopped back onto the couch and shut his eyes, annoyed and confused.

For a while, he thought about Lily's words, letting everything she'd told him dance around his brain. Then his mind wandered back to what Sparkles had said to him 3 weeks ago. About him wanting her to be his challenge.

More conversations darted through his mind. And then a flash of blonde against faded denim.

His eyes snapped open. He walked quickly over to get himself a glass of water, thinking about anything other than her. The ice clunked against the sides of the glass. The water swirled against it, causing them to float to the top. He focused on them over everything else. Because damn, he needed to find some sort of vaccine for this 'feelings' crap.


	5. Spats and Apologies

Please do leave a review! :) Thankyou!

* * *

"Do you think it's weird?"

"What?"

"This." He gestured between the two of them. "Do you think it's weird?"

He'd come to see her at work, casually dipping in during what he knew to be the quieter hours of the day. Her shift was nearly up. Today, Sparkles had favored a tiny pair of red shorts and a red bra, adorned with white rhinestones. Her hair was twisted into a wavy ponytail. This time it was yellow stilettos that clashed with her signature denim crop jacket.

Crimson lips were close to his neck when he spoke. She hadn't looked up at first, however when he continued to speak, she did. She was currently situated on his lap, clutching his lapels. Music thumped around them, looping some slurred ballad over the tired speaker system. She looked at him, confused.

"No." She responded to his question.

"Really? I think it's kind of weird."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Would you prefer a lap dance from Sugar?" She bit back at him.

They'd been hooking up for nearly three months now, and she was still just as defensive as before. He sighed.

"No. I don't." Even the idea of letting Sugar grind herself against him felt wrong, no matter how gorgeous she was.

"Then shut up and stick some money in my bra."

Barney pursed his lips. He couldn't believe he was actually about to do this.

"Don't you think we should, look, I don't know… get to know each other? Or something." He immediately regretted saying this. For him, it felt so insanely out of character.

All he was ever after was a good time with a girl. Being awesome, parading around New York in the finest suits with the hottest girls. But lately, none of that seemed appealing. His top quality tailoring was in steady supply and wasn't about to run out. And he knew already that he could challenge himself to pick up almost any girl at the bar. She… Sparkles. She was _different._

He knew absolutely nothing about her.

Barney was meant to be one step ahead. When picking up a girl or planning a legendary night, he was meant to be the one in the driving seat. He didn't even know this girl's real name.

She'd given him sex, and awesome sex at that. Which was surely all he was supposed to want.

Except it wasn't enough. He wanted to know her. Lily would almost definitely say it was that he wanted what he couldn't have. He could hear her sing-song 'I know best' tone ringing across his thoughts. Of course that's what Lily would say. Maybe she would be right.

Not being able to have something did make it a thousand times more appealing.

If there was a button to be pushed, Barney wanted to push it. So if he was informed that the button was off limits, it would make it ten times more desirable. In the case of girls, Barney thought this theory was only applicable to trying to hook up. But it seemed there was more to it than that.

He wanted to know about this girl. He wanted to know who she was, what she liked, what she hated. At the moment all he had to go on was that she was Canadian, beautiful, and seemed to hate being asked anything.

He felt the warmth of her body against his jerk away, and he realized that she had stood up, and was looking at him in a mixture of irritation and confusion. Her arms folded across her chest. Then he thought back to what he'd just asked.

"What, so you want to date me?" She practically spat the words out. He had to admit, it didn't sit well with him that she said it as though it was ridiculous.

"I never said that." He was quick to backtrack.

"No, you said some awkward garbage about getting to know each other."

"Well shouldn't we?"

"Sounds pretty lame to me." She brushed off the idea. Barney considered what to do next. She was right, it _was_ lame. However, it was wasn't letting him have a date with her. Thus a date became necessary.

"If I recall correctly, a 'date' was never offered." He retorted coolly. Following that, her expression flinched just a little.

"Well, you'd be lucky to get a date with me, because I don't date customers. Or hook ups. Or booty calls. Or generally anyone."

"Oh, c'mon Sparkles. Don't mean to tell me you never get dates."

"Not with losers like you." Her defenses flew up, and he noticed.

"Pfft, yeah. Last night you weren't exactly calling me a loser. You did call me another thing, what when you were busy-"

She interjected. "I know what I was busy doing."

"Yeah you do." A lewd smirk crept across his face.

"Just forget it and finish this dance. Maybe I can get busy again." She cocked an eyebrow, suddenly flirtatious. It seemed like she only had two moods: overly sexual or frosty as hell. Barney kind of wished he could get to know another mood.

Initially, he nodded, smirking as she eased back into the lapdance. Placing her hands on his thighs, she shifted herself closer to him and ran her fingers over his shirt, clutching his tie the way she knew he liked it. Her lips found his neck and she started to work her way down it smoothly. He was about to close his eyes and enjoy what was going on, when it occurred to him that they were in the middle of the club.

He knew she was an exhibitionist, but that might be going a bit too far.

Besides. She was getting her way yet again. Diverting the conversation away from anything other than sex.

"Look, I dare you to go out with me anywhere and tell me something about yourself." He challenged, pushing her off him slightly. Her breath was hot, evidently unhappy to have been halted as she unhooked her legs.

"No." She was firmer now. "I don't date."

"Why, because nobody wants to date a stripper?" He suggested in his frustration. Really, he was joking, and said it light heartedly enough. But it was evident that he hit a nerve. It was strange, because she often commented on her job and was all too enthusiastic to be sarcastic about it.

Yet something in the way her pupils darkened told him that he'd seriously hurt her. She recoiled her body away from him like he was a flame, getting up and walking over to some random guy on the other side of the club, the only other person in there. He was quite old and looked half asleep, lulling into his glass of bourbon. She quickly straddled him in tune to the switching of the music onto a new scratchy song. She didn't look back at Barney as the guy's face lit up.

He watched her, though. He watched him touching her where he normally touched her. He watched him slip a few $20 bills into her cleavage. He watched them get even closer until he didn't even want to watch anymore, and stared at his feet instead, getting up to leave the Lusty Leopard.

If he had walked past them, he'd have been able to watch the flush of her cheeks and the very slight layer of salt forming in her eyes.

* * *

"Look, I'm sorry." Barney groaned into his phone in exasperation. He'd lost count of how many times he had tried to contact her since their 'fight' the previous morning.

"Don't care."

"Clearly you do, since you picked up."

"I only picked up since you've been calling me non stop, and I think you hit 100 texts."

"99. I'm saving 100 for something special." He muttered, air of seduction lacing his tone. She was about to hang up, but he quickly continued. "Wait, look, don't hang up."

"If you send me nudes I'll never speak to you again."

"Oh, yeah, that'll make a whole load of difference." He snorted. "You barely speak to me anyway."

The line went dead. Barney was sure she'd hung up. For a few seconds, he listened to the dry phone line, sighing. Then he heard the resounding beep letting him know that she had indeed hung up the phone.

He shut his eyes, falling back onto his bed and throwing his phone down beside him.

Honestly, this whole thing would be easier if he could just keep it as sex. She was right. Hell, he'd only known this girl three months and he was already spending far too much time with her. This sucked. Honestly. When he'd made up his mind to go after her, he'd predicted this would be the other way around. She'd be all for doe-eyed romance. Dates, dinners and declarations of love. Then would come sex.

That would be it. Challenge completed. And he could go back to the bar and ask Ted if he remembers that super hot stripper he wouldn't look at in the Lusty Leopard? Smirking, he'd go on to declare that he 'nailed her'. Lily would moan in disgust, Marshall and Ted would look uncomfortable, but ashamedly high five him anyway.

And he could move on.

He grabbed the phone again, clawing at the black case for a few seconds, collecting his thoughts. He then punched Ted's number into the phone.

"Ted?"

A tired voice appeared on the other line. "Barney, if this is another call asking me to be your personal brothel architect then I swear to god-"

"No, no. Although thanks for reminding me about Fuckingham Palace." He cackled down the phone, to Ted's audible chagrin.

"What, then. It's like 3am, Barney."

Barney closed his eyes, unable to accept that he was actually doing something as lame as this. _It's for the challenge, Stinson_. He reminded himself, dismissing the fact that he had rather forgotten what the challenge was anymore. _You always get the yes. _

"Remember that time we were talking about a super date…"


End file.
